10 - The Rules Framework

Toye Oyelese

Welcome back! I am Dr. Toye Oyelese, and today we’re going to unpack something I call The Rules Framework. This is what I reach for, personally, whenever I feel—how do I put it?—like I’m paddling upstream, stuck, or just plain irritated by a system that refuses to budge.

Toye Oyelese

Maybe you know the feeling. So let’s just get straight to it. Why do we get so frustrated sometimes, you know? So often it’s not because we’re failing in a straightforward sense—it’s that we’re playing by one set of rules while the system is using another altogether.

Toye Oyelese

I had this friend, years ago, always super diligent at his job, kept getting overlooked for promotions. One day he practically shouts, “I do everything they ask, why am I still invisible?” And it hit me: he thought the job was about doing good work, and nothing more. But the real ‘game’—terrible word for it, but it fits—the real game also included office politics and relationship navigation. It’s like you think you’re in a soccer match, but you’re on a hockey rink and no one handed you a helmet.

Toye Oyelese

You want an example that’s, uh, closer to home for me? Alright, let’s rewind to 1987. I’d landed in Canada from Nigeria—had my shiny medical degree, thought I was set. But Canadian healthcare didn’t see me as a doctor at all. My credentials just... didn’t count here. That first year, I was pulling overnights as a security guard, shivering outside a building thinking, “This can’t be right. I am a doctor.” But in the Canadian system, nope—I was an outsider with an irrelevant certificate. That’s when I realized: I had misnamed the system. I wanted it to be “medical work equals status,” but really, it was “prove yourself all over again, regardless of what you’ve done before.”

Toye Oyelese

And, you know, that sense of confusion—so often it’s because we haven’t correctly identified the game we’re being asked to play. We get stuck wishing the rules were fair or made more sense, which... they often don’t. But if you name the system wrong, you keep losing even when you’re technically ‘right.’ So, that’s the first step. Name the actual system, not the one you wish existed. That’s where real navigation starts.

Toye Oyelese

Once you’ve figured out what system you’re in, next comes the real frustration—figuring out the rules, the ones everyone talks about and the ones nobody writes down. Let’s not beat around the bush: some rules will be fair, a bunch won’t, and quite a few will be totally absurd. But they’re still there, quietly running the show. My own run-in with this came fast and hard. I hated the process of re-qualifying as a doctor in Canada. I mean, really hated it.

Toye Oyelese

There was paperwork that made no sense, tests that felt redundant, and more hoops than... well, you get the idea. But it didn’t matter if I approved or not. My opinions didn’t make the rules go away. So, dragged my heels at first, then eventually I just... learned the system, inside out, even though part of me wanted to refuse it on principle.

Toye Oyelese

See, you don’t need to love the rules—or agree with them—but you do need to know them. The system enforces those rules, whether you’re aware of them or not. That’s why so many people who ‘do everything right’ on paper still hit a wall: they’re missing the invisible rulebook. I’ll give you another quick story: a patient of mine, really sharp woman, was struggling at work—not because she was underperforming, but because she hadn’t clocked that the unwritten rules in her department were just as important as her job description. When she finally sat down and asked others what really mattered, suddenly things started changing.

Toye Oyelese

So let me just pause for a second—what about you? Is there a place in your life where you’ve kept resisting a system’s rules, thinking, “If I just keep at it, things will change”? Did that resistance actually help you, or did it quietly block you for longer than you’d like to admit? I know I was stubborn about the medical exams for, oh, at least six months past when it would’ve been useful. Sometimes, our resistance teaches us, but most of the time it just keeps us stuck.

Toye Oyelese

So we’ve named the system, we’ve dug up its rules—now comes the gritty bit. Step three: figure out your real choices. And I don’t mean the options you want to have—I mean the options that are actually on the table within this system, as it is right now. Sometimes those choices are, frankly, rubbish. Sometimes they’re all painful. But there’s always something, even if the ‘freedom’ is just choosing to wait, to fight, or to walk away. It’s uncomfortable, but identifying those actual choices—that’s where your power is hidden.

Toye Oyelese

Step four: make a choice, and act. That’s it. I know, sounds quite basic, but let’s be honest—how many of us get stuck at exactly this point, turning things over in our minds forever because none of the options feel great? I see it in my work, in my own life. Paralysis feels safe, but it’s just another choice—usually not one that helps. Now, the trickiest part is when you’re in crisis, or you’re maxed out stress-wise and your brain just wants to freeze.

Toye Oyelese

So I actually built a web-based tool for those moments—www.therulesframework.com. Little plug there, but honestly, I made it for myself as much as for anyone else. It walks you through these steps when your mind is spinning, so you can build clarity instead of feeling lost. No magic decisions, but a bit of structure for messy moments.

Toye Oyelese

Let me give you a real example—names changed, obviously. I worked with someone tangled up in a panic about family dynamics. She kept expecting people to suddenly become fair, to finally see her contributions, all that.

Toye Oyelese

When she started using the framework, she saw that she was wishing for the game to change, instead of naming what it actually was: a family system where old hierarchies mattered more than logic. From there, she saw her actual choices: speak up clearly, disengage, or just keep the peace and lower her expectations. None of those felt great, but choosing one then acting on it—that was what finally brought her relief, and even respect, weirdly enough.

Toye Oyelese

That’s the whole thing, really: survival before thriving. Adapt for results, not because you have to love the system. You can work to change the rules, sure. You should. But, in the meantime, the road forward starts with actually playing the game you’re in. If you need help sorting through it all, that’s what this framework—and the website—are for. In the next episode, I’ll talk about the Process Method, which is all about aligning your effort with where you want to go. Until then—just keep navigating, one step at a time.